This is an odd little stretch of time, don’t you think? That lull between Christmas and New Year’s. It is really a recovery after all that delicious food and dessert I’ve eaten. I like it a lot in that there aren’t usually any great expectations and most of the holiday flurry has subsided. I have some random thoughts and no one to pester them with, so here you are:
Over the past few days we’ve been listening to a lot of John Rutter because my dh put one of my cds of his choral works in with the mix of Bing and Nat King Cole. I have read before that John Rutter is not a particularly religious man, and there’s no doubt that some of his songs have been used ad nauseum (my high school choir director had us sing “For the Beauty of the Earth” so often that I can still sing you the words and alto line 15 years later). Even so, for me it is nearly impossible to listen to his Nativity carol without thinking how angels must sound like that in heaven.
Overall our Christmas was quiet but very enjoyable. We spent most of the day itself with some friends of ours. I was commenting to my mother that while often I feel really lonely on Christmas without family around, this year didn’t have that feeling at all.
It has definitely left me time for thinking. Maybe too much time. I had one of my old repetitive “bad dreams” on Christmas Eve, it was one of the nightmares I used to have about working as a nurse. Too many patients, not enough time, everything going wrong… with an added twist. In this dream I left my shift without finishing what needed to be done and without giving my “report” (where you talk to the next nurse coming on duty to transfer your patients to her). It was very strange, since I haven’t worn scrubs in over 4 years! While it took me awhile to shake off the awful feeling — what a way to wake up on Christmas morning! I think it represented my feelings about not returning to nursing. I don’t want to go back, but I still must have some lingering guilt about changing professions.
Ironically, I want to remember that dream and how awful it felt. That way, the next time I’m nervous about performing or I’m taking an exam and I ask myself WHY it was that I decided to go back to school in my old age… I’ll be able to remind myself that I would much rather be where I am now, as opposed to living and dreaming those nursing scenarios over and over again. I think it will work, at least until I start having nightmares about music!
