Like a leaf

Today I had a recital, all the music majors have to play at one departmental recital during the semester (besides the big one at the end). Today was the first one, so I figured I might as well get it over with.

I’m wondering if you could see my hands shaking from the audience. Thankfully, I managed to get through my Bach Prelude and Fugue without any memory lapses. It was probably not my finest performance, but honestly does playing in your own living room count? I am far from the consummate performer. Sometimes you just have to be grateful you made it through and didn’t humiliate yourself.

So now, my Bach is retired, and we’re on to different things. I have a new Haydn sonata, which I’m gradually warming up to. I’m not a huge fan of Haydn (which I’m not even sure I’m allowed to say. Not loving one of the “greats”?! sacrilege!).

It was interesting to hear the other music majors play, a wide variety of abilities and styles. I probably fall in the middle of the road. It’s a good feeling to know that you’re in the right place.

Better

I am better today (just couldn’t leave my complaining up there). I actually felt better as soon as I typed it last night, I love that about blogging.

The turning point for my day was my pilates class this morning. It’s a matwork class, and now I’m thinking that I might sign up to take one of their “reformer” classes (where you use the special equipment that Joseph Pilates designed). It works very much like yoga used to for me, a time to refocus. An amazing mood lifter, I highly recommend it.

So my deep thoughts for today are about stress. Do you think you can change what you are stressed about? I have a bunch of “opportunities” to perform in the coming weeks. I know that I probably won’t ever be able to completely erase my anxiety about playing the piano (solo) in front of people, but I do hope that by just doing it, I will get better. Hopefully without becoming a total stressball in the process. I guess we’ll see. I may have to do a LOT of pilates.

Random music updates

1) I got an A on my first test last week, although I missed a few points on the transcription (where you listen and then write down the notes that are being played.) I can do this really easily, if you give me a piano that I can play on to match it to. Calling up notes out of my head? Not so much. To be fair, the teacher gave us the starting note. I feel sorry for the drummers in my class.

2) My piano teacher is great, even though the final verdict is that I must relearn my scales. Started work on some new Debussy, The Sunken Cathedral. I’ve played around with the piece before years ago, but never formally learned it (does that make sense?). It is fantastically beautiful.

3) I had to sight sing in front of class today (everyone did). Good times. Like I said, I feel sorry for the drummers.

4) I decided to play for one of the children’s choirs at my church (we go to a huge church, it has at least 5 different choirs for kids alone). Last night was the first rehearsal, and while they advertised that “all abilities welcome!” in their recruiting, I was very glad that I had done choral accompaniment before. It was much more intense than I expected for a children’s choir (the director asked me to play through some of their songs, nevermind that I was sightreading and this was definitely not “Jesus Loves Me”). I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed because of all the new music thrown at me, but it will get better, I’m sure.

And that’s about it. I’m beat. Is it Friday yet?

Just when you think

your kid isn’t paying attention…

Today, the dutchkid sat down at the piano, with “music” she had written herself. She had already illegally scribbled on some sheet music of mine, so I figured that was what inspired the composing. But then as I was listening to her random song from the kitchen, I heard the telltale beep of the metronome! Monkey see, monkey do. In my family, music was a big part of growing up. Someone was always playing something. I used to worry that the dutchkid wouldn’t have that exposure to music. It may not be the variety of music I heard as a kid, but guess I can cross that worry off my list!

In other music news, I met my piano teacher yesterday for my first lesson. It went pretty well. I managed to play my prelude and fugue for her without any major memory lapses even though I was nervous as all get out. She was very encouraging and I think we’ll get along great…although she’s contemplating making me relearn all my scale fingerings (groan) because my old teacher had me learn them with his own system. The curse of switching teachers, I guess. Now I’m glad I’ve been neglecting them all summer.

Victory is mine

Since I made all those big scary decisions, I’ve been spending more time at the piano. And finally, I have the Chopin Nouvelle Etude memorized. So now I have three complete pieces in my repertoire (Clair de Lune and my Bach prelude and fugue are still with me). I guess there is hope for my poor brain yet. I’m really hoping having those pieces at the ready will give me a leg up this fall.

It’s hard to believe classes will start in about 3 weeks, where on earth did the summer go? Sucked into the black hole that is moving, I guess. In all honesty, though, I think I’m ready for fall. Not winter, mind you, but if I could custom order an extra long fall, that would be the ticket.

The dh signed us up for a 5K this next week. He sort of sprung it on me. While I have been running here, it hasn’t been very often or very far… the altitude here is not my friend. He on the other hand, tends to be a fitness junkie. So it will be interesting to say the least. He says he’ll push the jog stroller with the dutchkid, and I normally run with her, so maybe that will help? Good heavens I hope so or it’s going to be a mighty long 3 miles. I’m only in it for the t-shirt.

It all comes together

After several weeks (maybe even months?) of agonizing about what I should do about studying music, it is finally falling into place. I don’t know how many times I have sat down here and tried to put my conflicted-ness down into words, but I felt like I couldn’t even form coherent thoughts.

I really struggle with the balance of what I want to do combined with the deep desire to spend time with my daughter while she’s young. I do feel that mothering is a valid, important job. My first priority, quite honestly. But becoming a mom doesn’t negate all the other dreams I had. On top of that, there is the military aspect. We may not live here long enough for me to complete a degree, so I wondered if it would be even worth starting. But I just couldn’t abandon the idea entirely, that felt so much like giving up on the dream. Especially after all the work and time I’ve put in with my last teacher.

My mom gave me some really good advice and I swear I’ve made it my mantra. When I couldn’t decide or felt really burdened, it helped me to tell myself that’s all I had to do was start moving in that direction. Even if it was just a small step, and then re-evaluate.

And finally today, after meeting with a member of the music faculty at the local community college, it all came together. Now, my end goal is to someday get a second bachelor’s degree in music. And of course, a community college is not as, shall we say, “sexy” as going right into a 4 year program. But as I listened to him talk about their program, and transfers and what their goals are, I realized that at long last I had the answer I’ve been looking for.

A bachelor’s program in music is very demanding, which was why I was very scared about it in the first place. I wasn’t sure that I could juggle classes and get enough time to practice and perform up to par. This community college program caters to both people who are just learning to be musicians, and people like me who are preparing for the rigors of a 4 year program. I can work on the basic things that will transfer (like theory, music history) and also continue with private lessons. While I don’t have to audition now, I will be expected to do a jury at the end of each semester, as well as attend and play in various recitals. Which makes me want to panic, but I know it has to be done. It will give me a chance to see if I can juggle it all, get better at performing, and hold up physically (if my tendinitis rears its ugly head again).

The classes coincide perfectly with the hours of the preschool that we’ll be sending the dutchkid to. And I don’t have to drive 45 minutes one way to get to the big university. The community college has a shockingly easy admission process, and they’re giving me resident tuition.

I no longer have any excuses and classes start in August. All aboard the crazy train!

Glorious hope.

Yesterday, I sat down at the piano and played Clair de Lune from start to finish without music. As I was looking back through old posts to figure out how long it has taken me, I was amazed to find it has only been a little over 2 months. That may not seem like a great victory to a professional musician, but I felt on top of the world. I have never been able to memorize like this before. It wouldn’t have even taken me that long if it weren’t for the holidays (we spent several weeks traveling and I was too busy to seriously practice). What a difference a great teacher can make. I still have much work to do to perfect it… I have some voicing issues to work out, but I never thought I would be this far.

The Bach and Beethoven variations are coming along nicely, although I have not begun to memorize either piece yet. I find myself daring to dream that maybe, just maybe, I might be ready to audition in the next year.

Tuna Girl wrote recently about her “Mondo Beyondo” list… a list of things you would like to accomplish that are so outrageous you can barely bring yourself to write them down. Auditioning would probably be at the top of my list.

But there are lots of unknowns. I don’t know where Uncle Sam is moving us yet. I don’t know if there will be a nearby college with a music program, much less if I could make it through the audition process. I don’t know if we can afford it. I don’t know if this is the right choice for my family at this moment in time… the dutchkid is several years away from being in school full time.

There are a lot of ifs ands and buts. But I have hope.

Worrisome

I woke up yesterday morning with some strange numbness in my fingers, and although they weren’t swollen it felt like they were.  As the day went on it advanced to discomfort, and by the evening I could tell that it was probably a tendinitis issue.

I could’ve cried.  And when it hadn’t magically disappeared this morning, I did.   The only thing that has changed in my life recently is the piano lessons.  I have so been looking forward to this.  I’ve never had trouble playing before, and so I’m thinking that it is the combination of the time I spend on the laptop and suddenly upping my hours of practice (from maybe an hour a week to an hour a day).  I had my second lesson today and it was so discouraging to not only have barely scratched the surface of the pieces, but then have to tell my teacher that something is going on mechanically.

He was very reassuring and I think that we did identify some of my problem areas, technique wise.  I know I haven’t done any permanent damage, but I dread the upcoming work of trying to change how I play.  And from now on I will always worry about injury rearing it’s ugly head.   In my making-mountains-out-of-molehills mind, I saw my dream of seriously studying music circling the drain.  If I can’t handle the amount of playing I’m doing now, how on earth can I take on music classes full time?

We don’t have lessons next week, so I’m taking a few days to not play at all and try to recover a bit.  That’s hard too because I love the pieces I’m working on.  I realized that I forgot to say what they were, so in case you’re curious (Tressa!) here they are:

Clair de Lune (Debussy) I’ve worked on this piece before, but never had it truly in performable shape.

Consolation No. 3 (Liszt) So very pretty, although the accidentals as well as some rhythm stuff make me nuts

Raindrop Prelude D flat Major Op. 28 No. 15 (Chopin) I think this one is currently my front runner for favorite.  I love Chopin.

Sunday Evening Post

Some random thoughts I’ve been meaning to write about although none of them warrant their own post, really:

1) Operation Daddy-do-it has been going fairly well, although sometimes the dutchkid holds out on actually going to sleep until it’s time for me to go to bed myself (you know the saying about leading a horse to water?  The same applies to sleeping).  We’ve been alternating nights of who puts her to sleep.  It has been a wonderful break for me, good for my dh and the dutchkid is adjusting. 

2) I have decided to join NEE’s book club.  While I love to read, usually it comes last on my priority list and even then I usually read parenting stuff these days.  I’m really looking forward to getting started, I just hope I can keep up. 

3) I started piano lessons this past week.  It feels good to have new music to work on, and my first lesson went well.  My teacher didn’t even make me sightread, which was wonderful.  He did, however, assign me far more music than I could ever possibly conquer in a week so I know that it’s a test of my ability in and of itself.   I hope we will be a good match, if nothing else I know it will get me further toward my long term goal of returning to school to study music someday.  He didn’t even laugh at me when I told him that. 

4) My mother-in-law is coming to visit this next weekend.  Fun times.  I’m sure I’ll have something more to say about that.

Reflections on the piano kids

Last night was our recital. Technically my second annual one, since last year I had one as well. This one felt more official, I had 9 students this year and I held it at our church instead of my house. Even though the venue was a bit more imposing, the kids did great. Not even one was rattled enough where they had to start over! I thought I was going to explode from being so proud of them. I was a little sad, too, since now they won’t be my piano kids anymore.

When I started teaching, it was really because I was being pressured into it. I had just become the pianist for our church, and two families in particular I had met were really on the hunt for a teacher. I had not taught before, and I definitely don’t think I’m qualified. I don’t have a degree in music, and after being taught mostly by lay teachers myself, I realized later in life that my music education had serious deficits. Thankfully I had other teachers as an adult and other experiences with music that helped me fill in some of the gaps. However, I still feel that years of playing with bad habits will always effect my performance. Let’s just say that I’m not a member of the school of thought, “Oh, you can teach! You play so well, just follow the books!”

When I found out that the previous teacher for one family had been a high school student, that’s when I decided that I would try it. I knew for the very beginners that I could teach them the rudiments of good technique, and I wanted to see what the older ones played like. Oh, did the older kids not like me at first. They had never heard of “theory”. It took me several months to get them used to the fact that I gave theory homework, every week. I should have called it “Miss Ellen’s School of Theory”. It was fun, though, watching them learn and picking out great music for them to play.

Now that I’m sending them on (and I recommended several professional teachers I’ve met at a piano teachers conference) I’m curious to know how they will do. I wonder what the other teachers will think. My main goal though (other than teaching theory) was to get them to feel the magic of making music, and there at least I know I’ve succeeded.

When we get moved, there’s a piano conservatory through the local college that offers lessons. I desperately need to find a teacher myself. I’m looking forward to playing for pleasure again, instead of the very functional playing that I do for my church. I hope that at some point in my life I can go back to school, I would love to study something boring like pedagogy. Then I can be a real piano teacher.