Final

I have a hard time making big decisions. I’m a big fan of having a back door, stopgap option. I was not a girl scout, but I would’ve been a good one, I think. Isn’t that their motto? Always be prepared!

Anyway. I just inactivated my nursing license in the last, lonely state where I still held one (it’s not even the state I live in).  I haven’t practiced now in over 5 years. To go back now, I would have to take a refresher course, if I could even find a hospital to hire me. I hate paying the money to just keep an active license that I’m not using, and it’s a pain to keep up with the continuing education and all the rest.  Besides, I’m actively pursuing a different career.  It’s just a formality.

Still. It made me pause.  It feels like I’m putting all my eggs in one proverbial basket.

I love the quote by Thoreau, I’m sure you’ve read it: “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.  Live the life you have imagined.”   It sounds good in theory, but in practice it’s actually quite scary.

This is it.  Music or bust.

The lifevest

I spent most of the weekend at a piano pedagogy (teaching) seminar. It was wonderful, even though I’m not currently teaching, I will be again someday and the things I learned will definitely improve my skills. It took some high level negotiations to make it happen (childcare is always tough in the summer for me) but in the end dh really came through. It was sort of a nice prelude to school. I sort of forgot how much I love the feeling of an entire day spent focusing on being a musician, since I’m back in stay-at-home-mom mode this summer.

And it was much needed. I’m not even sure how to type this, but I’m recovering from what I think was a “chemical” pregnancy. Meaning, I was just barely pregnant, and I’m not anymore. Maybe that’s too much information for some of you, and I’m sorry if that’s the case. Feel free to move along. I just have some stuff to work through and sometimes writing it out helps.

I can’t even describe the shock. I’ve never been pregnant “on my own” before (without medical intervention), I honestly didn’t think it possible. The timing couldn’t have been worse, with dh’s upcoming deployment and my own school in progress. I couldn’t understand why God would pick now of all times. To say I felt ambivalent about it is an understatement. It also made me reconsider some of the very harsh judgments I’ve made in the past about other women whom I felt weren’t grateful enough. As if infertility somehow made me fit to judge. Sometimes I wonder if this was a test, and maybe I failed.

The cruelty was in that it lasted just long enough (about a week) for me to allow myself to think about the future and hope again. I don’t appreciate that at all, actually. That’s the dangerous thing about hope, in my situation it often brings more pain. I don’t want to be back in the nightmare of hoping each month that I will get my miracle, only to crash and burn. Then again, I guess the deployment will take care of that, and neatly.

For now, I am intensely grateful for the decision I made to return to school. When I originally took the photo above and posted it on Flickr I captioned it, “Sometimes the ticking of that metronome is just what I need to turn my day around.” And that’s true. The focus that practicing requires often recharges me. I loved being a SAHM when my daughter was a baby, and it was a hard decision to leave that behind. I know many women find their purpose and calling in that alone. For me, I feel like music saved me. I am ok… and I have different dreams to dream.

Making my heart sing

She managed to send an entire display of watermelons cascading onto the floor at the commissary today. That most definitely did not make my heart sing.

But this? Oh yeah. Watermelons forgiven.

It has taken her a long time to come around to the piano. She would probably prefer it to be called, “The dreadful loud thing that takes up a lot of my Mama’s time”. As a baby and toddler, she would cry when she heard it… at the time I was a church pianist and piano teacher and she equated the sound with being taken away from me. Now most of the time she’s sort of indifferent. It broke my heart, as I had always hoped that she would be comforted by the music, not tortured. My nephew by contrast has always loved the sound of my brother singing and playing… it always made me jealous.

It’s nice to know now that she is taking it in on some level. She loves to sing with the children’s choir and is a complete ham on stage. She has my love for cheesy 80′s music and I’ve been happy to introduce her to “Major Tom” and Men at Work. She also likes Beyonce and Black Eyed Peas (hey, we’re an equal opportunity household, here). Even better, she easily recognizes bits and pieces of music that are familiar. For example, she will often point out a classical song on a TV show/movie that I either play, or that we’ve listened to.

I’ve tried not to push her toward the piano at all. I know that I will be proud of her even if she decides that music doesn’t interest her in the least.

But I can hope, can’t I?

Tunes and such

This post isn’t about music I’m playing, although I do have some fun little things I’m working on. This is more music I’m listening to. I love to read what other people are into so I thought I’d share. None of them are new, just new to me.

Sometimes I’m really into Irish/Scottish folk music. I first heard this song months ago on a Scottish radio program and I am in love with it. Probably because it begins, “The back of the winter is broken…” and I’m fantasizing about that here after our third (!) snowstorm since it officially became spring.

It might have to be my summer theme song.

And in keeping with the “things I’ve heard on the radio” theme, I caught an old rerun of a Prarie Home Companion on NPR and heard Neko Case. I have a thing for distinctive voices and she’s definitely got one.

I just downloaded a bunch of songs off her newish album Middle Cyclone, and “That Teenage Feeling” from an older album is also one of my favorites.

And finally, this is a bit of fun. The dutchkid loves to watch the video and we just might have to learn how to hula hoop like that! (found via Bluebirdbaby awhile back).

Have you been listening to anything good?

Today’s tidbits

I went to a “meet the babies” shower today for dh’s unit and while it’s fun to see new babies in all their snuggly cuteness, I find myself not going out of my way to hold them. Nor am I particularly nostalgic about having one, it’s kind of weird. You would think that I would be consumed with envy and wanting to hope it would “rub off” somehow, but no, that’s not what happens. Perhaps I am better suited to being a mom of one than I thought?

You know that famous theme from the movie Gladiator, the one with the woman singing what sounds like another language? (this one) I saw a special on the making of the movie once, and found out that the “language” is made up nonsense words and ever since it ruins the song for me. Not that all songs require words to convey emotion (of course not!) but I think because I thought at first it DID mean something, now I feel like it’s fake. Or I could just be weird.

I haven’t been writing much here, mostly because I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the music that I’ve had thrown at me in the past few weeks since school began. But it’s also good to have new things to work on. I’m very excited to be playing some chamber music with a saxophonist for a Black History Month concert. I’m also playing in a small recital next month that my teacher is giving featuring Chopin’s preludes and I’m working on a piece for 5 pianos, ten hands with other piano majors. And then of course there’s my solo pieces. Oh, and playing some irritating music for the children’s choir at my church (and it IS irritating, if you happened to be subjected to Psalty as a kid, as I was, you’ll remember. I thought Psalty was over with after the 80′s but apparently not. And it doesn’t help that the piano part is a pain in the arse).

That’s about the extent of my week. (Wasn’t that an interesting train of thought, from babies to Gladiator to Psalty, but that’s the way my mind works these days). Have yourself a fantastic weekend!

Sunday part deux

Thank you all for your sweet comments, you’re too good to me.  I am feeling better about the whole mess.

Since last Sunday was random links day, how about round two?

A new favorite classical piece, one which I had the good fortune to hear performed recently.  Nocturne in G-flat by Respighi  (Tressa, I think you’ll really like this one, you should try it):

I really would like to add it to my repertoire at some point, but sadly my plate is full.  Juries are in the first few weeks of December so I have to polish up my Haydn and Debussy instead (boo).   Maybe after the new year.

This probably deserves a post of it’s own, but I’m lazy. My grandfather, for years, ran a store. It’s hard to categorize it now, but it began as a grocery store when my mother was growing up, and later became sort of a general store/lawn and garden store once he could no longer compete with the large grocery stores that came to town.   I think  that’s why as an adult, the movement away from big box stores to locally owned ones makes  a lot of sense to me.  I’ll pay more any day to support a small store like that.

When I think of my Grandpa, the store goes right along with it. I can still see those old tiles and the woodstove, and the old walk in refrigerator, and where the meat case used to be.  He passed away when I was in college, and the store belongs to someone else now, I forget what they sell.. trailers or something. It’s hard to drive past it and see how it’s changed. All that, just to tell you that I read an interesting piece on Sweet Juniper about one of the last mom and pop hardware stores in Detroit. It brought back a lot of memories, to include one picture he has of how they sell seeds in mason jars with the seed packet picture glued to the front… Grandpa used to do that, too.

I’ll leave it at that since I’m surprisingly wordy tonight.  Have yourself a wonderful week!

Next time I’m wearing a paper bag.

Today my dh took me out and about in an attempt to cheer me up. We just went out and ran some errands, mostly for the retail and window shopping therapy, but it was a good alternative to staying at home and wallowing in self pity.

I wasn’t really going to write about it and resisted the urge last night. But since I do write about being a musician a fair amount, maybe it’s part of “full disclosure”, lest you think I am something more than I am.  I was playing last night for a children’s program, and I made a very large, obvious error in front of a large crowd of people. I thought we were on a different verse, didn’t turn a page, and therefore missed a key change and ended up having to stop playing altogether (this is a cardinal sin for a choral accompanist. You don’t ever stop playing). It is one of my mistakes that I will likely remember for a very long time (oh, there are several others, although this one is near the top).

Now I am a perfectionist, so that doesn’t help matters. I know that in the big scheme of life, this matters not at all. No one was injured at the concert, aside from my ego.

Yeah, yeah everyone makes mistakes, but it just seems like I make a LOT of them.  And when something really big happens that little voice inside my head goes, “See? You were never good enough to really study music. A real musician would have handled that better or just never made that stupid mistake in the first place.”

I try not to believe that, but it really shakes my self-confidence. There is a quote I read once, and it has always stuck with me “Music is not like religion, devotion is not enough.” And there is truth to that in some sense. There is an element of talent to being a musician.   I like to think that I am talented, but sometimes I wonder if I’m deluding myself.

I know the best thing I can do now is emphasize what was positive about the situation. For example, even though the screw-up happened during the first song of the musical, I managed to recover and play the remaining 4 songs just fine. It was not a problem with playing the music, it was more of a “technical difficulty”. I’m still not sure what I can learn from the situation, other than having a page turner next time, which would have been immensely helpful.

So there you have it, one of my life’s most humiliating moments for your reading enjoyment.  Next time I’ll be sure to tell you about the time I walked through the dorm cafeteria with my panties stuck to my backpack.

On snow and balance

I wonder if the cold weather is here to stay this time? I just managed to get the last of my perennials in the ground yesterday… I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or if I should’ve waited to see if this crazy Colorado weather will change back to warm again. I have a feeling the furnace is going to be staying on for a few days.

Today is essentially the end of my “week”, my classes are done, lessons taken and I can sort of slide into the weekend. I realized that I haven’t been writing as much as usual, and I looked at my Holga the other day to find dust on it (ack!). I’m hoping we’re finally adjusted to the new routine, although it seems pretty constant that by this point in the week both the dutchkid and I are worn out. Especially since we just joined the YMCA. They were offering free memberships to active duty military families, which seemed almost too good to be true at first! Go YMCA of the Pikes Peak Region!

I can fit a pilates class into one of my breaks between my music classes. I wish it were yoga, but they don’t offer a class during that specific time. I just can’t justify the added trips during the week, plus putting the dutchkid into more/different childcare other than her little school. I find myself being really protective of our time on our “free” days at home. I honestly don’t know how moms with several kids and multiple activities do it. As it stands we go to school two days a week, the dutchkid does dance one afternoon, and we go together to the children’s choir at church one evening. It seems like plenty, although I will admit I have twinges of guilt sometimes when I run into other parents whose children have so many activities it makes my head spin.

It’s hard to prioritize, both for the dutchkid and myself. I wish I could multiply the hours so that I had all the time in the world to blog, play with the cameras, sew and make music and the dutchkid could dance, learn to ice skate, play basketball and soccer… but in this season for me at least, music is winning out. I think I’m going to be ok with that, it feels good to be at the piano. However, I’m afraid it might not always make for such great reading! Unless I get brave and decide to let you listen (don’t hold your breath!).

Just when you think

your kid isn’t paying attention…

Today, the dutchkid sat down at the piano, with “music” she had written herself. She had already illegally scribbled on some sheet music of mine, so I figured that was what inspired the composing. But then as I was listening to her random song from the kitchen, I heard the telltale beep of the metronome! Monkey see, monkey do. In my family, music was a big part of growing up. Someone was always playing something. I used to worry that the dutchkid wouldn’t have that exposure to music. It may not be the variety of music I heard as a kid, but guess I can cross that worry off my list!

In other music news, I met my piano teacher yesterday for my first lesson. It went pretty well. I managed to play my prelude and fugue for her without any major memory lapses even though I was nervous as all get out. She was very encouraging and I think we’ll get along great…although she’s contemplating making me relearn all my scale fingerings (groan) because my old teacher had me learn them with his own system. The curse of switching teachers, I guess. Now I’m glad I’ve been neglecting them all summer.

Keeping it together

We survived the first week of school! Even though starting school was something I was really ready to do, and I think the dutchkid was ready too, it still felt stressful. I was indeed the oldest in my class, although there are many other non-traditional students in there as well. While looking at the syllabi is intimidating (final project: a written composition in 4 parts incorporating specific chord progressions) I have a good feeling that this will be both challenging and rewarding. I already knew that my lack of working knowledge in more advanced music theory (beyond just the basic key signatures and scales) is the missing link in my playing. My private lessons don’t begin until next week.

The dutchkid’s first day of school was today. When I left her this morning she didn’t shed a tear, although she did tell me in the car on the way home today that she wasn’t so sure she liked it. It is a much longer day than she’s used to. Her little school does a small nap/quiet time in the afternoon, and of course she was having none of that. She told me all about how they made her be quiet. I’m hoping she’ll adjust once we get into the routine.

It really feels like summer is on it’s way out… I’m going to do my best to enjoy what’s left of it this weekend!