Today my dh took me out and about in an attempt to cheer me up. We just went out and ran some errands, mostly for the retail and window shopping therapy, but it was a good alternative to staying at home and wallowing in self pity.
I wasn’t really going to write about it and resisted the urge last night. But since I do write about being a musician a fair amount, maybe it’s part of “full disclosure”, lest you think I am something more than I am. I was playing last night for a children’s program, and I made a very large, obvious error in front of a large crowd of people. I thought we were on a different verse, didn’t turn a page, and therefore missed a key change and ended up having to stop playing altogether (this is a cardinal sin for a choral accompanist. You don’t ever stop playing). It is one of my mistakes that I will likely remember for a very long time (oh, there are several others, although this one is near the top).
Now I am a perfectionist, so that doesn’t help matters. I know that in the big scheme of life, this matters not at all. No one was injured at the concert, aside from my ego.
Yeah, yeah everyone makes mistakes, but it just seems like I make a LOT of them. And when something really big happens that little voice inside my head goes, “See? You were never good enough to really study music. A real musician would have handled that better or just never made that stupid mistake in the first place.”
I try not to believe that, but it really shakes my self-confidence. There is a quote I read once, and it has always stuck with me “Music is not like religion, devotion is not enough.” And there is truth to that in some sense. There is an element of talent to being a musician. I like to think that I am talented, but sometimes I wonder if I’m deluding myself.
I know the best thing I can do now is emphasize what was positive about the situation. For example, even though the screw-up happened during the first song of the musical, I managed to recover and play the remaining 4 songs just fine. It was not a problem with playing the music, it was more of a “technical difficulty”. I’m still not sure what I can learn from the situation, other than having a page turner next time, which would have been immensely helpful.
So there you have it, one of my life’s most humiliating moments for your reading enjoyment. Next time I’ll be sure to tell you about the time I walked through the dorm cafeteria with my panties stuck to my backpack.