The unwritten code of Army wife ethics

I had all these plans today for a nice, uplifting post. Something harmless and “feel good”.

Right. I have to get this one off my chest.

I often feel like there is a sort of code of ethics among mil-spouses. Usually this is a good thing, generally speaking I think that military spouses are wonderful, giving people who totally get the weirdness that the military can throw at you.

After today, however, I’m realizing that no, we don’t all have the same code. I have an acquaintance. I wouldn’t even call her a friend, really, I don’t know her all that well. Her husband just retired from a service other than the Army. She and her husband go to the same church that we do, and to give you the full extent of our relationship they have had me over for dinner once, and I invited their youngest daughter to the dutchkid’s small birthday get together.

About two weeks ago, I got a random phone call from her. Asking if I would watch her child for the weekend (two days from the day she called me), so she and her husband could go to a marriage conference. Thankfully I didn’t answer the phone directly, so I had time to eloquently word my response, which otherwise probably would’ve been an incredulous, “Are you serious?” I thought it was really strange. I have a deployed husband, and am a full time student, and you think I would like to have an extra kid for the whole weekend? While saying no to her on the phone, she then drops, “Oh, ok, N. can always stay with her Grandma.” WTH? Why would you even ask me then? It puts me in an awkward position to tell you no.

Dh thought I was being a little over the top in how outraged I was (I even vented on facebook). I made myself a mental note to steer clear of them and cross them off my “call in a bind” list. I don’t want owe them anything, if you know what I mean.

Then, yesterday she called me and asked me to come to dinner. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough, so I agreed for next week. It didn’t even take a day for that to come back to bite me. She called this morning, and thankfully I was in class and didn’t answer. Could I watch N. for the afternoon tomorrow? And to let her know if I couldn’t, because otherwise she would plan on me.

Of course I flipping can’t! I have class for one, and even if I didn’t on that day, I don’t want to be your babysitter! To top it off, her husband is still in the post-retirement phase of figuring out what he’s doing (read: he’s home all day). She also has a teenage daughter who is old enough to keep track of her little sister for the afternoon.

I don’t get it. I’m wondering if she thinks because I have just one kid (she has four) that I can easily add another. Or maybe she thinks our kids are best buddies? (they’re not, this little girl isn’t even on the dutchkid’s radar). And maybe I AM being unreasonable, but it’s starting to piss me off. Don’t get me wrong, I will go out of my way to help a friend in a bind, especially a friend with a deployed husband. I think it’s because I know that she has many resources (and a husband) around, and I view those type of things as a big favor. It makes me mad because while I might forgive that from a civilian, I feel like she should know better than to ask.

See Military Spouse Ethical Code Article 2c: never try to take advantage of someone whose spouse is deployed.

Hanging in

I feel heartless sometimes, admitting it, but now that dh is safely in the-land-far-far-away I’m feeling much better. I can think of a long list of painful things I would rather do than relive that last week.

The dutchkid handled it better than I had expected. Then again, I had no idea what to expect. She cried a lot the night he left, and continues to talk about missing him on a daily basis, but overall she seems like her happy self.

Me? I’m fine during the day but evenings are always when my paranoia about being alone kicks in. It’s not that I’m lonely, it’s that my twisted psyche is convinced that someone is going to break into my house. I think I need to take a self defense class, it might help me relax a little (and sleep more). My first Netflix movie should arrive this week. I’m hoping something to look forward to after the dutchkid heads to bed will help.

I’m continuing on over here, as well. It’s been cathartic in a big way. Thanks for all your kind words about it. You guys are the best.

Threes

That’s how crises work, you know.

1. My dh’s granddad is dying. It could be a few days or a few weeks, but it doesn’t look good.  And d-day (deployment day) is rapidly approaching. 

2. After over 50 years of Christian education, the dutchkid’s preschool is closing its doors this December.  Her teacher cried when she tried to tell me about it.  I had a bad feeling when their enrollment was so low at the start of the school year, but I thought surely they wouldn’t bail halfway through the year (ha).    I am sad and a little bit angry.  Trying to find quality flexible childcare mid-school year isn’t turning out to be easy.  Plus,  Daddy leaving + switching schools + starting kinder next fall at yet another school wasn’t part of my plan.  All I can do is hope my name comes up on at least one waiting list. 

That just leaves Number Three.  What will it be?  Shall we place bets?

Cramming it all in

I am beginning to see that dh is trying to make some memories and cross stuff off his “to-do” list before he goes. While I am generally lazy and like to sit around at home whilst calling it “family time”, he wants to go forth and DO!

This is a 4 day weekend.  We have included: camping for a night, cleaning the garage and hitting Costco for the “I need xyz for to pack in the connex”.   We went to church this morning, but instead of the normal Sunday nap we headed instead to the post pool. It was blistering hot, and crowded, neither of which are my cup of tea…but I knew that he very much wanted to see the dutchkid demonstrate her new swimming skills.

After that it was off to the commissary for me (I still feel guilty about going to the grocery store on Sunday, a throwback from growing up and no stores were open and  you weren’t allowed to do anything.  I have grown up into quite the heathen, I guess)  and we topped off the evening with a few holes of mini-golf. At least until we got seriously rained out.

I can’t even remember the last time my weekend was so action packed. I sort of missed my nap. Tomorrow promises more of the same since dh has the day off.

(side note, I learned a new acronym after all this time! DONSA: Day Of No Scheduled Activities. Every time I hear dh say it I think of Tony Danza. What ever happened to him, I wonder?)

I hope you enjoyed your weekend, be it fast or slow paced!

Do you do this?

Please tell me I’m not some sort of freak, although you might think so by the time you’re done reading this.

I love doing endless, often pointless, research on where we might be living. And I mean might. We are not due to leave here for at least another 18-24 months.  I have no earthly clue on where we will go, but this is my way of dreaming. In my own defense we do move a lot, I’m always in awe of the folks who have stayed at the same duty station for more than 3 years.  And this whole mess started when the darn branch manager came to visit.   Usually it begins when dh mentions something offhand, like, “You know, I’d really like to take an overseas assignment next.”

Me: “Oh? Where do you think you’d like to go?”

dh: “I don’t know, I was thinking somewhere cool, like Belgium or England, maybe. Where would you like to go?”

Me: Now out of the room and already searching things about Belgium on the internet.

Seriously, I need school to start because I have already wasted entirely too much time looking at where we could live (Brussels! Mons!) and then at schools and what the towns look like, what expats say about living there, and on and on it goes…

Don’t get me wrong, I would love England, too, I just happened to research that one already a few years ago and I still have my links (is this sad? I think it must be).

I have a lot of fun thinking about a place and what it would be like to live there.  Since I know this is off in the future it doesn’t have the same pain attached to it as when we’re making our list and hoping and praying for an answer we can live with.  It also helps if said place is on the exotic list.  You wouldn’t find me doing this about Ft. Irwin, say, or Ft. Polk.  Nevermind that usually if I’ve taken the time to research something, the Army sees fit to send us to the exact opposite place.

For someone who grew up in the same small town my entire life, and had the same schoolteachers as my mother did,  I am startlingly well suited to the military life.  And just let me know if you’re moving to Belgium anytime soon, do I have some links for you!

MilSpouse Friday Fill-in

I have been meaning to do one of these since Wife of a Sailor started them and I’m only just now in the right place at the right time (normally Fri-Sun I try to limit my time on the old computer). I think it’s a fun idea to get to know other milspouses around the ‘sphere. So here I am, better late than never.

1. What is your spouse’s best feature? Eyes. Although I am a sucker for his hair when he grows it out (which is like, never. I fell in love with that hair, dangit)

2. Mild, Medium or Hot sauce? Medium.

3. What is the worst uniform you had to wear for a job? I guess I missed most of the hideous uniform jobs, but I hated wearing nursing whites when I was in college….but I did have to wear an ugly brown smock when I was a cashier at the Shop-Wrong, (oh, I suppose I should finally call it by its correct name since it’s defunct, poor old Shop-Rite).  I guess that wins.

4. You have invisible powers… where is the first place you would go? On tours of all the elementary schools I’m considering for my kiddo, I’d love to see how the classrooms work when no parents are visibly present (hey, that is first on my priority list these days!)

5. What’s left on your “to do” list for this summer? Going to the children’s museum, running another 10K, finishing up the sundress I’ve had on my sewing machine forever, practicing the piano so that my teacher won’t be able to tell how much I slacked off all summer (ha) and many other things that I will never actually accomplish in my summer laziness.

I survived

Finals, check.
Jury, check.
Final concert, check (and yes, I’m a dork I thought the LOST finale was this week. Boy was I disappointed)

Did not embarrass self, check
Played better than I ever have, check!

Now I’m feeling sort of at loose ends. At my last lesson of the week, my teacher gave me a ton of new music. I’m excited about having something new and fresh, although it still involves Brahms which I’m not thrilled about (don’t get me wrong Brahms wrote some beautiful music, it’s just a pain-in-the-you-know-where to play). BUT, I’m finally getting to play the Respighi I’ve been wanting to work on, hurrah!

I also have some stuff to resolve about transferring credit and what to take where next semester. This next part will proably be boring for some of you, (if you are curious you can read more about the history of how I ended up where I am) but I want to write it down here so that I can remember how I was working through it. As of right now I am planning on finishing my bachelor’s at a somewhat non-traditional music program at the university in town. It would not be considered as “rigorous” as a regular program. Since I am not planning on being a professional performer, but rather having my own piano studio, it’s not the end of the world for me. It has the classes in theory and pedagogy that I need, and I can continue to study with my teacher who is a very well respected teacher and musician in my state (people actually drive hours to get here to study with her). However, I have a prof who is pushing hard for me to transfer to a different university instead.

I am flattered, and I have no doubt that one of the programs he has suggested would be great. Two problems exist: distance and time. The programs he thinks highly of I would have to drive an hour plus each way to get to. Plus, it would take me several years of very stressful, full time classes to graduate. I don’t have that kind of time or energy (oh yeah, have I mentioned I’m about to be a single parent for the next school year, if not longer?) and I really need this degree to be done before our time here is up. The nature of my hubby’s job is that we will be moving again in the next 2-3 years, to a destination unknown.

I’ll be honest, it’s one of those situations where being a military family has some negative repercussions for me. Sometimes being being a regular old stationary civilian family looks appealing. That and I wish I had a crystal ball.

A military child

April is the “Month of the Military Child”. I’ve seen some mentions of it here and there around the blogosphere.

It’s made me think a little bit more about the dutchkid and her life as a military kid. I used to write a lot more about military life and sort of felt like I ran out of things to say. Most of the time I don’t feel defined in that way for whatever reason. Nor do I tend to define my kiddo as a “military child”. I’m not saying that it doesn’t have an impact on us now, or that it isn’t a part of our identity (it most certainly is!). Then again, my dh has been home for awhile so that could be why as well. In my mind deployment is the big deal breaker. We look like your average suburban family until that comes up. I’m curious to see if/how the upcoming deployment will change what I write here.

But, (oh you knew there was a but, didn’t you?) when I am honest with myself, I admit that I am worried about the next deployment and how my military child will deal with it. I know that overall she will be fine, but it still makes me wonder what I’m in for. I may be an old hand at dealing with his absences, but she is not. She was just a baby last time he deployed, so at that point as long as mama (aka the milk supply) was nearby she was good! I know someone here who insists that at her age now that deployment is just as easy.

I’m not so sure. She’s plenty old enough to miss her daddy. She certainly misses Grandma, who we only see a few times a year! She doesn’t have a very good grasp of the passage of time, which could be a positive or negative. It may seem to her that he really has been gone “forever.” Also in my experience, reintegration last time was harder because of the added parenting aspect. My dh and I have different parenting styles, so I am forseeing some big adjustments in that arena.

Oh, who am I kidding. It’s going to be a big adjustment in every arena. A year is a really long time, no matter how old you are.

Noncompliant

That’s what they call people like me. Noncompliant. “They” being the medical establishment. It feels weird to be on this side of the equation sometimes, the side of the patient instead of the caregiver.

I’m having some skin issues again, I think I’ve written on here before about my struggle with inexplicable hives and allergic reactions. I went in today because something new is happening, likely thanks to the different forms of allergens in this lovely state. I had been blissfully off all my antihistamines for the winter, but I’ve been eating them like candy again now. I went in today to try to get a referral to see an allergist. Maybe finally get some answers instead of being groggy all the time from the medication. Overall my care is usually good, so I don’t complain a lot about the beaurocracy that is military healthcare. I didn’t see my primary care manager today, just someone who had an open spot in his schedule. I see now why it was open.

He didn’t listen. He didn’t care about my history. He decided about 2 seconds into seeing me what was wrong with me, even though it made no sense. He prescribed medication I know I don’t need, nor will I take. And of course no referral.

Me, 0. Military healthcare, 1.

I may have lost the battle today, but I WILL win the war.

T-D-whine

Dh left today. Ordinarily I try not to complain too loudly about his absences, since he’s been home forever by Army standards. So I’ll just say that up front, I know that I don’t have a leg to stand on. However, this is my blog so I’m going to write it anyway.

I wish I knew why it is that The Powers That Be always decide to do endless, apparently pointless, trips in the months leading up to a deployment. I understand the train-ups to a certain degree, but when he comes home and says what a royal waste of time xyz trip was, or when I ask him, “So, what will you be doing?” and in reply he shrugs and says, “Who knows,” I start to get irritated.

When you know deployment is coming, every day is precious. For the kiddo, every milestone or class party, or just plain bedtime that is missed gets under my skin. I know I’m not alone in this, I have heard several wives I know saying the same thing, “I’d rather they were just gone rather than coming and going all the time.”

So see here, Big Green. If you’re going to take my husband away on TDY at least have it mean something. Are you ready because here it comes, my mantra: SOMEDAY WHEN I RUN THE ARMY…