Turkey for me, turkey for you

I hope you had a wonderful thanksgiving. I am a little bit sad that I didn’t get to finish NaBloPoMo in style. We spent it as we did last year, with my dh’s grandparents and extended family in Florida. My dh’s aunt did have internet, but for some reason whenever I tried to open up wordpress and write, the browser shut down. I took it as a sign that I should be focusing on other things, and it was good to take a break.

It was such a pleasant change from last year, where I really felt like it was open season on my parenting. This year we didn’t stay in a hotel as I thought we would, but only because someone else did, freeing up a room for us to have instead of the floor. That alone made a huge difference in my comfort, but I think it’s also because the dutchkid is older and I have another year of parenting under my belt. Sadly, even though my parenting wasn’t under the microscope this time, I think my mother-in-law and dh’s aunt just switched their focus to someone else. One of my sisters-in-law fielded some pretty rude comments.

We enjoyed catching up with everyone, ate entirely too much delicious food and dh and I got to go see a movie (hello, Mr. Bond). It was fun to watch the dutchkid get to know her great grandparents a little bit. My dh’s granddad has Alzheimer’s, so we feel very much like every visit is precious. Even though Granddad has absolutely no idea any longer who we are or who the dutchkid is, he just lights up when little children are around. That was probably the hardest part of the trip, it’s difficult to realize how much of Granddad’s memory is gone. My dh was looking through photo albums with him, and often he no longer recognizes himself.

Throughout our time there I kept wondering what it was like for him, to be celebrating with all these people who obviously knew him, but he didn’t have a clue who we were. Even though he did seem surprised by us at times, he was always pleasant and always happy to play games with the great grandchildren running around. I try to console myself with the thought that he felt loved, even if it was love from a roomful of strangers.

Family

“This is my mom, this is my dad and this is me. This is my family!”

Sometimes it is the simplest things that blow me away. Drawing people is a new thing for her, and I’ve never heard those words from her before.

We’re finally on the mend over here, which is good. Just in time for our Thanksgiving travels. I’m rather sorry about my ugly post yesterday, but sadly it was an ugly day all the way around. I’m looking forward to focusing on being thankful this week.

Mommy guilt

I love being a parent. Most of the time, I think I’m actually a pretty good one. But just when I’ve convinced myself that I’m ok at this job, I read or hear something that I’m doing (or not doing) is detrimental to my child’s health and future. It just triggers this wave of self doubt. I know that my particular blend of neuroses contributes to my shaky self confidence, and since the dutchkid may be the only child we will ever be able to have, it seems all the more important to “do it right”.

Lately I’ve been obsessing over the preschool debate. I am thinking about sending her for 2 mornings a week to a preschool program next fall. I use a Parent’s Morning Out program here very occasionally, because I don’t have the luxury of family in the area, and it’s helpful for appointments. Once your child is over 2, most places that offer PMO have 2 year old “classes”. Many of them are 3 or even 5 days a week, the one I’m considering I chose not only because of it’s good reviews but also because she could go just 2 days instead.

I think it just might be good for us both. The problem is that old mommy guilt kicks in. While I’m getting pressure from some (my MIL, people in my playgroup) that she needs the socialization, others are of the mindset that it’s completely unnecessary and in not so many words, is just maternal laziness. Maybe it is. Hello, guilt. Sometimes I get tired of being the playmate, and she just isn’t that great at entertaining herself. I let her watch too much TV as a result. Having 2 mornings a week would allow me to do some things for me (like studying the piano again). Selfish? Maybe so. I love my daughter so much it frightens me sometimes. I wish I could say that sacrificing myself for my child’s absolute well being is my life goal. But if being a mother has taught me anything, it’s that being a martyr about it doesn’t make me a better parent, it makes me resentful. I just wish finding the balance of focus between her and myself wasn’t so hard.

Life goes on

My mom flew out this morning. She came for the dutchkid’s birthday festivities and for a little vacation (hence the sparse blogging lately). She had hoped to get some nice sunny weather, but I’m sorry to say that the rotten weather followed her down here. It actually snowed in some parts of town on the evening she flew in. And I live where people have palm trees in their yards.

It was hard to see her go today, as it always is. We have always been close. I consider myself lucky to have such a good relationship. It mystifies my dh, and he can’t seem to understand why it is that I need to spend money flying home so often. We try to see each other face to face every 6 months or so. I would like it to be a lot more than that, but flying gets expensive.

As the dutchkid and I were waving goodbye, I started thinking about how much will have happened by the time we see her next. How much of our lives she misses out on and how much of hers we miss. It probably seemed more obvious this time because when I greeted her at the airport I was nearly blinded by the diamond on her hand. My mom is engaged. It feels weird to even type that sentence. I couldn’t be happier for her. My parents divorced when I was in college, but it was a long time coming. My mom deserves to be with someone who will make her happy.

It just occurred to me today how her life will be totally different in the near future. And totally foreign to me. I have met her fiancé, but I don’t know him that well.  I felt sort of like I did when I came home after moving out of my parents house and found out that my younger brother had taken my room (or was it my sister? I can’t remember). It was very strange looking at some photos she had brought of a Christmas party with his family. How odd that she will be a part of a new family, one that I know almost nothing about. It’s so true that life goes on, even when you’re not there to witness it.

Growing up in the same area my whole life and being close to lots of extended family, I tend to imagine the dutchkid growing up like I did… but the reality is that her aunts and uncles and cousins will be unfamiliar to her. Heck, her new Grandpa-to-be is unfamiliar to me. We don’t even intend to go back to that area after dh retires from the Army. My dh insists that he will never live there voluntarily again. How do families work when you live far away? I guess I’m going to have to figure that one out.

Worthless

Several of my piano students are homeschooled. As a favor to one family of 3 students, I agreed to go to their house to teach yesterday, instead of them coming to mine.

As I finished one lesson and was waiting for the next child to come to the piano I heard this exchange:

Mom: “Your father and I have decided that you are worthless.”

Boy: “But Mother…”

Mom: “No, xxxx, you are worthless! Look at this house and the yard…”

At this point they traveled out of earshot. I was astonished. The boy is 12 years old. I have no doubt the mother was frustrated. Thinking about it now, I’m unsure if it was for my benefit, or if she always talks to her kids like this. I know this mother a little bit, and she is very blunt. It makes me wonder what she says when no one is present. I don’t have a pre-teen, so I can’t imagine what daily life with one looks like. I hate it when people judge me and granted, I am no paragon of parenthood. It just made me sad. I happen to have a dad who often said mean things in anger. Even if you know the words aren’t true, it doesn’t mean they don’t hurt. I hope I never tell my daughter either in words or actions that she is “worthless”.

Sharing

It has been brought to my attention that I do not like to share. Which is true, in my selfish little heart, I would definitely like to have everything all to myself, all the time. I usually can beat down the small ogre within and manage to maintain some charade of civility.

Evidently the ogre (ogress?) has escaped too often because my dh decided to elaborate on sharing this weekend. In my mind, sharing is when someone asks you for part of what you have (or a turn at something), you oblige. It’s the nice thing to do. He takes it a step further and includes that sharing extends to saving the last part of something in case the other person wants it. Example: if I made brownies and you were standing next to me and there was one left, I would ask you if you wanted it. If there was one brownie left but you were, say, at work, 98% of the time I would eat it. Unless it was specifically yours and/or your very favorite.

My dh feels that with most things it should be saved in case the other person would like to have it. Which is nice, but far beyond normal sharing in my selfish opinion. *sigh* It has turned from something very petty into something very important in his eyes. He maintains that I should be modeling this to our toddler. I am going to attempt the high road and try to change my behavior.

I swear the fumes from that fireplace addled his brain.

Judgment

I get along reasonably well with my in-laws. I even like my mother-in-law for the most part. Our relationship before I had the dutchkid was wonderful, afterwards… well, let’s just say we have very different parenting philosophies. While we were in Florida, we stayed with dh’s aunt, along with his mom and a bunch of other relatives. We were all in very cramped quarters. Several of my nieces and a nephew were there, all young children. We were the ones unlucky enough to arrive last and as such, we did not have our own room. We got to sleep on inflatable mattresses in the living room. Nothing like having a strong-willed toddler out of her routine, combined with not being able to close the door to put your parenting skills on display.

As it turns out I parent very differently from everyone. I’m sure my own insecurities had a lot to do with my feelings, but I spent the entire time just feeling very judged on everything from what I feed her to how she goes to sleep. I received several not so subtle hints about how I should do lots of things, ranging from “let her cry herself to sleep”, to spanking her, to taking away her pacifier. I’m sure they were scandalized to know that at almost age 2 she still breastfeeds on occasion.

I don’t ascribe to any one parenting method, but I definitely tend more towards Dr. Sears than Dr. Ezzo. I am comfortable with how and why I handle things, but it gets tiresome being on the defensive all the time. I am proud to say I have mastered the smile and nod while doing what I think is the best. But it still rankles to hear people praise my sisters-in-law and their children while I get the “you really should…”

It would be nice if when you became a parent you automatically grew the thick skin required, or maybe the hospital should just issue earplugs. And next time? I’m staying in a hotel.