Made it

I’m going to be scarce for awhile (not that this is unusual, but now I have a good reason!). Looking forward to several weeks of just being a family again.

Forever and a day

It’s official (not that there was any doubt).

1) I have been married a very long time and 2) I am most definitely old.

Thirteen years. You would think that after all this time I would have some sage advice about relationships and love, and yeah… I don’t really. It shocks me how fast time goes and I remember our wedding day so clearly. I can remember the way the room smelled when I got up that morning in Korea, and how surreal the whole thing felt. How could it be so long ago?

He still drives me crazy, just like he did when we first got married and I distinctly recall thinking, “What the hell have I gotten myself into?!” Over the years we’ve had good times and bad, and of course suffered through the requisite deployments and other fun things the Army throws at you. And while I love him more than I could ever express here, it’s not the mushy, soulmate, I-can’t-live-without-you kind of love. It’s the sort of love that’s forged through time, trial and commitment. He has widened my horizons, challenged me to be more than I ever thought I could, and very importantly with my checkered family history, proved himself unfailingly trustworthy.

Plus he’s still cute and makes me laugh. Trust me, that’s no small thing after you’ve been married forever and a day. I wish he were here today, just so that we could celebrate in our own low key way.

The slacker blogs!

well hi there.

We’ve just resurfaced after a long bout with a very nasty cold virus. Mine ended up being bronchitis, and even the dutchkid, who normally bounces right back from a cold was sick for a full 10 days.  It was midterms too, and I have despaired of ever having a house even resembling clean. 

However, spring break officially started today and spring is right around the corner. We’re so excited! This semester has been a little wearing on both of us. I have all these grand plans for our break, but in reality I’m going to be happy just to have some time to not rush frantically to and fro.   Maybe I’ll get to tell you about our adventures, the children’s choir concert where my girl had a solo, the ice skating, the music playing (and memorizing) and all the zillions of things that keep me so busy most of the time. 

The deployment ticks on, although many people we know here are currently enjoying their R&R time. It sort of stinks to know we have many months yet to go before ours.  I didn’t think the dutchkid had noticed (we haven’t actually seen any of these daddies who are home) but the daddy doll has reclaimed his place of honor as the chosen bedtime companion.  I’ve been hearing more about how much she misses him. To be honest, while the dutchkid and I both have been talking a lot about the summer and how much fun it will be… I can’t help but feel a certain dread. All those same daddies will be home for good then, and we have to stare down the fall yet. 

But as she reminded me the other day: “We are a team”. I so needed that.   Go Team.

“It is what it is”

Welcome to deep thoughts with Ellen. On this Friday evening I am home, playing hooky from doing constructive things like practicing my ear training (midterms are next week).

I love The Happiness Project (the book and the blog). I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before. I’m a firm believer in the thought that happiness is something you choose, and I think the insights are often interesting. Gretchen Rubin sometimes interviews people who have something relevant to say on the topic, this one with author Hope Edelman was the most recent: “If I could remove one phrase from the English language, it would be ‘It is what it is’”

Too often, it seems like a fast and easy way to label a complicated situation “a thing I cannot change,” thereby giving the speaker permission to abandon efforts to improve it. No.

I thought that was interesting, and I see her point, but I must say I humbly disagree. I find myself saying this phrase a lot, usually in reference to the deployment.  It is a complicated situation that I most certainly cannot change.  When I use it, I don’t mean that I am going to wallow in whatever misery is happening, but rather because no matter what I do I can’t make my husband come home any faster.  You just have to get through it.  It’s more helpful to me to just acknowledge it as a fact of existence.  Often I use it in talking to someone who is asking me about how I’m doing, how communication is, etc.   If the person I’m talking to has experienced deployment, they know exactly what I mean.  And if they haven’t, usually they can fill in the blanks. 

I guess I use it more in the sense I’ve heard it taught in yoga and meditation: “This moment is as it is…neither good nor bad.”   I never really thought of that as a cop out.  Do you think it is?

(im)perfection

There are lots of thing that I think I handle pretty well during deployment, if I do say so myself. I don’t mind being alone. I can usually deal if something breaks, falls apart, or sets up house in my chimney. I’ve been on the roof twice. I have a go-to plumber, handyman and general guy friend to call in a bind. I mow the lawn, shovel snow and put up outside Christmas lights. I am not nearly as hooah as ABW (who just lived through a flood) but then again, she is in a class by herself!  Generally I can muddle through.

However, I am about to confess two things which are my undoing.

I can’t sleep (this should actually read: I am too paranoid to sleep). And I won’t do the taxes.

I just sent my poor, deployed dh a list of information he asked for so that HE could do the taxes. From Timbuktu. And I didn’t even feel guilty. Well, ok, just a little bit. But hey, I offered to file for an extension, but he turned that option down. I think mainly because my husband, being the cheap frugal Dutchman that he is, couldn’t stand to think of Uncle Sam hanging onto our refund money any longer than necessary.

There you have it.  Just in case anyone out there was feeling inadequate hacking through life as an Army spouse, if you can sleep and do your 1040, you are way ahead of me.   If you need Christmas lights put up, though, I am totally your woman.

Realization

I’ve been in a funk lately, really ever since we got back from our Michigan trip. At first I just chalked it up to readjusting to my “normal” life during deployment. And maybe that’s partially what it is, but today while chatting with a friend at the Y, I realized that it might just be because I have too much time.

Yep, how ironic. I was so looking forward to this little lull before classes began, and instead I find myself eagerly looking forward to getting back. As it turns out, I function much better when I have a limited amount of time. Give me endless days where nothing is required and I sit on my rear end and feel sorry for myself. I don’t remember this happening last summer? Then again dh was home. Good Lord, I’m going to have to plan the heck out of this summer so we don’t turn into a budget version of Grey Gardens.

One other thing I had meant to say, thank you for your kind comments over at TLLB. I wasn’t sure what exactly to say here about dh’s Granddad’s passing… His death was not truly unexpected, he’s been very ill since we saw him during block leave. And he has suffered for many long, cruel years with Alzheimer’s. But it’s really hard to know how much dh wants to be here instead of over there. Not that there was any doubt, but deployment really sucks sometimes.

Too much togetherness

Dear Members of the Milspouse Supper Club,

Kindly take the following suggestions in the loving manner in which they are intended:

1) I have no interest in hearing about how you get to Skype with your husband every single day. I’m lucky we’ve been able to get the darn video to work twice since he’s been gone. Others here can’t Skype with their husband at all. Please have the sense to keep your mouth shut about your good fortune.

2) I don’t want to hear you pontificate on why no one should complain because (and I quote) “We all knew what we were getting into when we got married.”

3) I don’t care if your situation during a previous deployment was 10 times worse, don’t belittle someone else’s worries or concerns. We all need to vent. This is not about one-upmanship.

4) Don’t tell me (or anyone else, for that matter) that kids under the age of X don’t care/notice/have any behavior changes when their father leaves. I know my kid, thank you very much, and I know that she is very aware of the fact that her daddy is not here.

I am hereby rescinding my membership in your illustrious number. It turns out, you can have too much of a good thing. Quite frankly, I have much better things to do on Friday night. Like wash my hair. or my dogs. or mop my kitchen floor.

Sincerely,

The Disgruntled Dutchican

Holy ponies, Batman

One of the benefits of having friends with older children, is that you get a lot of stuff they’ve outgrown. Today I have one happy girl, still busily combing pony hair, and a new flock of ponies to pick up.

My brother was giving me crap yesterday because I haven’t been blogging, and that’s mostly because right now we are doing fine, but I feel as if I’m working really hard to stay on top of things. I think I’ve been at least 15 minutes late to everything this week. I’ve been emotionally ok, but maybe this is the manifestation of the stress?

In other news, I think I have a critter (squirrel, maybe?) taking up residence in the chimney. And my pony-loving kiddo has decided that now would be a good time to throw monster tantrums at school when it’s time to go home. I figure that’s par for the adjusting-to-deployment-course.

At any rate, today is a free day for me and I am going to enjoy every single minute of it!

Hanging in

I feel heartless sometimes, admitting it, but now that dh is safely in the-land-far-far-away I’m feeling much better. I can think of a long list of painful things I would rather do than relive that last week.

The dutchkid handled it better than I had expected. Then again, I had no idea what to expect. She cried a lot the night he left, and continues to talk about missing him on a daily basis, but overall she seems like her happy self.

Me? I’m fine during the day but evenings are always when my paranoia about being alone kicks in. It’s not that I’m lonely, it’s that my twisted psyche is convinced that someone is going to break into my house. I think I need to take a self defense class, it might help me relax a little (and sleep more). My first Netflix movie should arrive this week. I’m hoping something to look forward to after the dutchkid heads to bed will help.

I’m continuing on over here, as well. It’s been cathartic in a big way. Thanks for all your kind words about it. You guys are the best.

…and the other shoe drops

I should have started taking bets, for real. This morning my older dog started acting really strange and didn’t seem like himself. I called the vet, feeling sort of like the crazy dog owner who always needs reassurance. Turns out I’m not crazy after all. He needed emergency surgery.  I don’t even want to think about what would’ve happened had I been at school today.  I don’t want to think about my vet bill, either.  Thankfully, he did very well after the surgery and hopefully he’ll be home tomorrow.   After the last incident I am starting to feel like we are on borrowed time with him.

I think that rounds out my three, don’t you? Therefore, according to the axiom of threes, from here on out should be smooth sailing until dh leaves.

Riiiiight. I’m not holding my breath, either.