The time has come

the walrus said, to talk of many things. Of shoes and ships and sealing wax, and cabbages and kings.

It’s time my friends. To say good bye to this space. After giving it much thought, I am taking an indefinite break.  I will likely leave this blog up for the time being, because I still haven’t decided how best to preserve it.  I have many memories on here that I don’t want to lose forever.  Maybe I’ll change my mind and decide to start up again.  But quite honestly, this just feels as if it has run its course.  I am unendingly grateful for those of you who have commented and stuck around all these years (I know! years! can you believe it?).   Blogging is fun, but getting to know you all were what really made it worthwhile.

I expect that when school is over I will have more time to read, and I don’t plan to stop commenting, so maybe you’ll see me that way.  I don’t take many photos any more, but I’m guessing that will change with time and the newbie arriving next year, so you can find me on flickr.  And of course there is still the evil facebook.  Some of you already know me from there.  If you don’t, but would like to find me just send me an email: dutch_girl76 at yahoo dot com.

Good luck, and I’ll see you when I see you…

Surprise of the century

Life has been crazy around here lately. So far this week alone I have had one light fixture explode, my desktop went kaput and now I have ruined carpet from a leak somewhere. Never a dull moment.

But do I have good news for you. I am pregnant (!). Yeah I can’t believe I just typed that either, and it’s been plenty long enough now that I should be used to the idea. Sometimes it still feels like a dream. After so many years of infertility, I had honestly resigned myself to being a mom of one. We weren’t “trying” in any sense of the word.  It’s so ironic that now I have turned into the story I hated hearing when we were doing IVF: the woman who quits trying to gets pregnant and magically it happens.  And let me tell you, it is a little awkward telling people who look at you and go, “but isn’t your husband deployed?”.  Let me tell you about a little thing called R&R…

We are really excited, and while the dutchkid was definitely not so excited in the beginning (there were tears, I thought it was going to break my heart) she is warming up to the idea of a “little sister.” I’m trying to impress on her that brothers are just as wonderful.

The hardest part of it for me has been the definite ambivalence I feel about putting my school plans on hold. I should be able to finish my associate’s after this semester, which will help me to feel like I’ve reached a good point to take a break. So much of the rest of my future is up in the air, tied up in the Army and where we may move, whether I decide to stay home for several years again… I have a lot of strange feelings of guilt mixed with a “why now?”.   I’ve worked very hard to get where I am in terms of musicianship and I don’t regret the path I’ve taken in the least, but some days I’m worried that I’ll never go back and finish. I try not to dwell on it, I don’t know what the future holds.  I mostly can’t believe what a gift we’ve been given.

I hope you’ve all been well, I am so desperately behind in my blog reading I am about to just declare google reader bankruptcy.   If you have a minute, tell me how you’ve been!

Fleeting summer

The dutchkid starts school this week. On the one hand I’m really ready, and on the other hand I’m sorry to see summer go. I’m not sorry to see an end to the heat. I have been unbelievably whiny this year about how hot its been without air conditioning.

One of the things left on my list was to visit the u-pick farm before school started up. They just opened for the season, which seems oddly late to me, but here things just don’t grow as nicely as they do in the Midwest, that’s for sure.

However, the views can’t be beat.

We missed out last year and didn’t get there at all (it’s a little bit of a drive from us). So it’s been a couple of years since we’ve been. It’s amazing when I look back at pictures how grown up she is. She still looked so much like a toddler back then, and now? She’s such a big kid these days.

Now summer feels a little more complete. I guess I’m ready to let her be a kindergartener. Maybe.

A minute of happiness…

MOVE from Rick Mereki on Vimeo.

Love it.

(found via the almighty Dooce).

The Share

I joined a CSA specifically for the fruit this year. I never have quite been able to justify an entire veggie share, and especially not now with it being just the dutchkid and I. But fruit? Fruit I could get behind.

It’s been sort of a bust so far… a bad year for sweet cherries here because of a late frost. We had several weeks worth of applesauce and apple cider, which the farm had wisely put up last fall just in case. But then last week I got a bunch of rhubarb, and now this week almost 3 pounds of pitted sour cherries, plus the first of the peaches. Things are looking up. Good thing too, because even from afar dh has been grumbling… “what a communist system,”…”I can’t believe you paid for fruit that you’re not getting,”… let’s just say he’s a tough sell on the idea of a CSA.

I like it, though.  I haven’t had sour cherries since I was a kid.   I like the idea that I’m helping out a local farmer and get organic produce in return.  I’m not sure why the concept escapes my dh.   I just wish he were here to drool over the cherry crisp I just made, I would make sure to put up a sign, “Communist hippies only.”

Down to two

We had such a good R&R. I think it was the perfect amount of going places, eating out (my favorite) and just being at home.

Sometimes, when he comes home from somewhere it can be an adjustment. I get used to doing things my own way, and at first it feels like I have to “make room” for him again. That may sound strange, but it’s true. Only this time, it was like he’d never left. And now I feel sort of like I’m rowing a boat with only one oar. But we are on the downhill now, the last part of this deployment will be much, much shorter than the first.

School for the dutchkid starts in about 3 and a half weeks (!).  I knew that after R&R it would feel like summer was gone.  That’s ok.  Bring it, fall.  The sooner the better.

Made it

I’m going to be scarce for awhile (not that this is unusual, but now I have a good reason!). Looking forward to several weeks of just being a family again.

Over it.

The Army is messing with me.

I am done with this.  I am really ready for my dh to retire already.  I am very tired of someone else being in charge of our life.  I’m trying very hard to retain my zen about it, and not to take it out on my poor dh.   Plus, you just never know how the chips will fall.  As always, the Army reserves their right to change their mind at any time.

But it’s seriously freaking me out.  It looks very much like they are going to keep us here slightly longer than expected.  Normally this would be a big yay, we love it here.   Only now, they have almost made it impossible for me to finish my degree here.   We will stay past the point where I need to transfer to my bachelor’s program, but not stay long enough to actually finish it.  It is unlikely that he will be able to get a different assignment here at that point.  We will need to PCS.

So either the dutchkid and I will have to stay here alone so I can finish, (oh good, single parenting while finishing a challenging degree program!) or I will have to transfer again, re-audition, and likely re-take another year’s worth of classes.  I’m not even sure it’s even worth transferring here in Colorado or if I’d just be wasting my money.   I’m also worried that if I don’t transfer right away I will forget all the theory stuff I have worked my butt off to learn (I have to take a transfer exam wherever I go).

It is no wonder that so many Army spouses find it difficult to get a degree.   Thankfully, I will at least leave here with an associates, and have the benefit of the classes I have taken in theory, pedagogy and  music history.  I may have to just teach privately for awhile and hope for the best.  It makes me feel like a failure, and it’s not even something I can freaking control.

Thanks a lot, Big Green.  I’m so glad that we’ve put in all these years for you to screw with us.

Dads

I knew I should’ve skipped church this morning. I’m wary on most holidays during a deployment. It’s not that I feel that other people shouldn’t be happy or celebrate in their own way, not at all! It’s just that holidays emphasize much more than any other ordinary day that my family is separated.

“I wish MY Daddy were here today.” I knew as soon as those words escaped the dutchkid’s lips that we might have been happier skipping the service and just going to sunday school. I don’t know what to say to that, other than, “I wish he were here too.”

It gave me a renewed sense of appreciation, because while we might be separated today, dh will be coming home eventually… there are so many people who are missing their dad today and they won’t get to see him again.  At least not on this side of heaven, anyway.   My heart goes out to them.

So I am thankful today that my Dad and my dh are still here for me to appreciate.   And if you are reading this and you are a Dad,  Happy Father’s Day to you!

Uncharted Territory

I’ve written before about how different my daughter is than I am.

I searched for the post that I was thinking of and I can’t find it. That’s what years of blogging and poor tagging will get you. If you’re ever searching for something here, best of luck to you.  Ahem. 

I’m not sure why it is that I thought she would be just like me.   She is like me in many ways, but she is undoubtedly her own person.  I often marvel at the things she does that I just can’t imagine.  For example, she is social in a way that I, a confirmed introvert, will never be.  And as you can see from the photo there, she can already outskate me. 

It all started innocently enough.  A free open skate.  Then group lessons offered at a discount.  Pleas for her own skates.  A kind parent who was selling an almost unworn pair.  Nearly every Saturday on the ice for 5 months.  She would wake up in the morning talking about skating.  When group lessons ended in late spring, she started asking about having a coach.  Some days as I sit on the sidelines, freezing my tail off while she skates, I ask myself how on earth we got here.  Now it’s paying for ice time.  Skating twice a week.  Costumes.  A competition. 

This world is so unfamiliar to me.  It’s intimidating.  And it’s something I. never. imagined.   I keep wondering if it’s a phase.  If one day she will wake up and tell me that she doesn’t feel like skating anymore.  That’s ok, if that happens, but I have this suspicion that I am going to be spending many hours to come at the rink. 

If it were up to me, it’s not something I would have chosen.   I see many small kids, younger than her even (at 5), who must skate hours every day.  I see parents who push.  I purposely chose her coach because in talking to her she said, “You know, they’re only young once.  At this age, I tell my parents that skating twice a week is plenty.” 

I find myself slowly realizing that unless something changes this summer, hard decisions will have to be made in the fall about what time we spend where.  I struggle with knowing how many activities are too many.  I had hoped she would start music lessons in the fall, but now that is looking nearly impossible.   If you ask her, she will say she wants to do it all and more… It feels harder than I anticipated to prioritize activities for someone so different than me.  

I am so incredibly proud of her.  I just hope I’m doing her justice.