Over it.

The Army is messing with me.

I am done with this.  I am really ready for my dh to retire already.  I am very tired of someone else being in charge of our life.  I’m trying very hard to retain my zen about it, and not to take it out on my poor dh.   Plus, you just never know how the chips will fall.  As always, the Army reserves their right to change their mind at any time.

But it’s seriously freaking me out.  It looks very much like they are going to keep us here slightly longer than expected.  Normally this would be a big yay, we love it here.   Only now, they have almost made it impossible for me to finish my degree here.   We will stay past the point where I need to transfer to my bachelor’s program, but not stay long enough to actually finish it.  It is unlikely that he will be able to get a different assignment here at that point.  We will need to PCS.

So either the dutchkid and I will have to stay here alone so I can finish, (oh good, single parenting while finishing a challenging degree program!) or I will have to transfer again, re-audition, and likely re-take another year’s worth of classes.  I’m not even sure it’s even worth transferring here in Colorado or if I’d just be wasting my money.   I’m also worried that if I don’t transfer right away I will forget all the theory stuff I have worked my butt off to learn (I have to take a transfer exam wherever I go).

It is no wonder that so many Army spouses find it difficult to get a degree.   Thankfully, I will at least leave here with an associates, and have the benefit of the classes I have taken in theory, pedagogy and  music history.  I may have to just teach privately for awhile and hope for the best.  It makes me feel like a failure, and it’s not even something I can freaking control.

Thanks a lot, Big Green.  I’m so glad that we’ve put in all these years for you to screw with us.

Dads

I knew I should’ve skipped church this morning. I’m wary on most holidays during a deployment. It’s not that I feel that other people shouldn’t be happy or celebrate in their own way, not at all! It’s just that holidays emphasize much more than any other ordinary day that my family is separated.

“I wish MY Daddy were here today.” I knew as soon as those words escaped the dutchkid’s lips that we might have been happier skipping the service and just going to sunday school. I don’t know what to say to that, other than, “I wish he were here too.”

It gave me a renewed sense of appreciation, because while we might be separated today, dh will be coming home eventually… there are so many people who are missing their dad today and they won’t get to see him again.  At least not on this side of heaven, anyway.   My heart goes out to them.

So I am thankful today that my Dad and my dh are still here for me to appreciate.   And if you are reading this and you are a Dad,  Happy Father’s Day to you!

Uncharted Territory

I’ve written before about how different my daughter is than I am.

I searched for the post that I was thinking of and I can’t find it. That’s what years of blogging and poor tagging will get you. If you’re ever searching for something here, best of luck to you.  Ahem. 

I’m not sure why it is that I thought she would be just like me.   She is like me in many ways, but she is undoubtedly her own person.  I often marvel at the things she does that I just can’t imagine.  For example, she is social in a way that I, a confirmed introvert, will never be.  And as you can see from the photo there, she can already outskate me. 

It all started innocently enough.  A free open skate.  Then group lessons offered at a discount.  Pleas for her own skates.  A kind parent who was selling an almost unworn pair.  Nearly every Saturday on the ice for 5 months.  She would wake up in the morning talking about skating.  When group lessons ended in late spring, she started asking about having a coach.  Some days as I sit on the sidelines, freezing my tail off while she skates, I ask myself how on earth we got here.  Now it’s paying for ice time.  Skating twice a week.  Costumes.  A competition. 

This world is so unfamiliar to me.  It’s intimidating.  And it’s something I. never. imagined.   I keep wondering if it’s a phase.  If one day she will wake up and tell me that she doesn’t feel like skating anymore.  That’s ok, if that happens, but I have this suspicion that I am going to be spending many hours to come at the rink. 

If it were up to me, it’s not something I would have chosen.   I see many small kids, younger than her even (at 5), who must skate hours every day.  I see parents who push.  I purposely chose her coach because in talking to her she said, “You know, they’re only young once.  At this age, I tell my parents that skating twice a week is plenty.” 

I find myself slowly realizing that unless something changes this summer, hard decisions will have to be made in the fall about what time we spend where.  I struggle with knowing how many activities are too many.  I had hoped she would start music lessons in the fall, but now that is looking nearly impossible.   If you ask her, she will say she wants to do it all and more… It feels harder than I anticipated to prioritize activities for someone so different than me.  

I am so incredibly proud of her.  I just hope I’m doing her justice.

Show and Tell (and educational even!)

I was not so sure about this camping trip.

I haven’t been camping without dh since… hmmmm, well, since I was a kid and went camping with my family I guess. It’s sort of his gig. It isn’t something that I would’ve dreamed up, but you see, I have this friend. And she wanted to go camping, and her husband is gone too. She had a reservation, and she told me she was going with or without me, and did I want to come? I was very impressed that she would even attempt such a feat, and so somehow I agreed to go.

It. was. awesome.

We camped at the newest national park, Great Sand Dunes. It is one of the most unexpected sights, you are driving through this desolate valley until you suddenly can see the Sangre de Cristo mountains, with these sand mountains at their base.

Once upon a time, there was a great lake that covered this valley. It eventually disappeared, due to changing climate, leaving a huge sheet of sand behind. Due to the unique nature of this valley and the winds that blow in opposing directions, over time the sand formed incredible vertical structures.

Even more interesting, each year two streams created from the melting snows in the mountains run through the valley, bringing sand back to the dunes before disappearing in the summer heat.

It felt great to splash around in the stream (and that’s the dutchkid in the corner there in her swimsuit) after that long hot hike to the top of the dunes.

In the end I was only sorry that we couldn’t stay longer. I really owe my friend for getting me outside of my normal idea of, “things I can do” and introducing us to what really is the only beach in Colorado!

For more info on the Great Sand Dunes National Park, including a cool animated video on how they were formed, you can go here.

(and K, I bet you didn’t think you were going to make the blog did you Thank you.)

Monday Brain Dump

thoughts I feel like writing down but aren’t coherent enough for a post of their own:

We are supposed to be going camping tomorrow. It should be fun, but it really really makes me miss my resident expert camper (dh). Not sure how I’m going to fare without him. I had to practice pitching the tent.

The dutchkid got her kindergarten shots today! She hyperventilated, cried and generally freaked out beforehand, but did great when the nurse actually gave the shots. I feel permanently indebted to the maker of combination vaccines so she had a minimum of actual sticks. Bless you, bless you, bless you.

I am growing increasingly worried about my older dog. In the past year he has aged so rapidly, and I would much rather live in denial about it. But instead I find myself buying very expensive glucosamine and chondroitin, telling the dutchkid that she has to limit the number of times she throws the ball for him, and planning how I’m going to get him in and out of the back of the SUV. Getting old is for the birds.

Summer has arrived with a vengeance. I have every fan I own on “high” pointing in either my or the dutchkid’s direction. And the garden is in!

I will hopefully be back with camping adventures by the end of the week. Have yourself a good one!