The unexpected

Isn’t it amazing. One minute you are going about your business as usual, and the next you are reeling. Not that anyone really plans for things going wrong, I think we mostly hope for the best. It never fails, I always look back and think, “Why then?” like there should’ve been some cosmic sign.

I managed to get a spiral fracture in the middle finger of my left hand yesterday. I’m desperately trying to hang onto my perspective. In the large scheme of life, this is barely a bump. It pales in comparison to the tragedy others face. But I would be lying if I told you that I’m fine, I’ve spent a large part of the past day or so crying. I keep reminding myself about my aunt, who was recently diagnosed with cancer, or all the people suffering in Japan… but I haven’t been very successful.

It doesn’t sound like much, a broken finger. For most people I guess it would be more of an inconvenience, albeit a painful one, but for me as a pianist it’s pretty catastrophic. Particularly in the middle of the semester, less than 6 weeks out from my final concerts. Hours and hours spent practicing, memorizing… down the drain in the amount of time it takes for a dog to suddenly go after something while your hand is caught in the leash.

I see a hand specialist this week, I’m hoping he can reassure me that the finger will heal without any lasting effects. In theory I can play other concerts, and I can make up grades… but to do that I really, really need my hand to be ok.

Excitement

We had a full day today…

There was the inaugural wearing of the flip flops

The surprise of finding one brave crocus

playing outside, and last but not least…

learning to tie shoes!

I couldn’t have asked for a better start to our spring break. The best Monday I’ve had in a long time. Hope you had a great start to your week!

The slacker blogs!

well hi there.

We’ve just resurfaced after a long bout with a very nasty cold virus. Mine ended up being bronchitis, and even the dutchkid, who normally bounces right back from a cold was sick for a full 10 days.  It was midterms too, and I have despaired of ever having a house even resembling clean. 

However, spring break officially started today and spring is right around the corner. We’re so excited! This semester has been a little wearing on both of us. I have all these grand plans for our break, but in reality I’m going to be happy just to have some time to not rush frantically to and fro.   Maybe I’ll get to tell you about our adventures, the children’s choir concert where my girl had a solo, the ice skating, the music playing (and memorizing) and all the zillions of things that keep me so busy most of the time. 

The deployment ticks on, although many people we know here are currently enjoying their R&R time. It sort of stinks to know we have many months yet to go before ours.  I didn’t think the dutchkid had noticed (we haven’t actually seen any of these daddies who are home) but the daddy doll has reclaimed his place of honor as the chosen bedtime companion.  I’ve been hearing more about how much she misses him. To be honest, while the dutchkid and I both have been talking a lot about the summer and how much fun it will be… I can’t help but feel a certain dread. All those same daddies will be home for good then, and we have to stare down the fall yet. 

But as she reminded me the other day: “We are a team”. I so needed that.   Go Team.

“It is what it is”

Welcome to deep thoughts with Ellen. On this Friday evening I am home, playing hooky from doing constructive things like practicing my ear training (midterms are next week).

I love The Happiness Project (the book and the blog). I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before. I’m a firm believer in the thought that happiness is something you choose, and I think the insights are often interesting. Gretchen Rubin sometimes interviews people who have something relevant to say on the topic, this one with author Hope Edelman was the most recent: “If I could remove one phrase from the English language, it would be ‘It is what it is’”

Too often, it seems like a fast and easy way to label a complicated situation “a thing I cannot change,” thereby giving the speaker permission to abandon efforts to improve it. No.

I thought that was interesting, and I see her point, but I must say I humbly disagree. I find myself saying this phrase a lot, usually in reference to the deployment.  It is a complicated situation that I most certainly cannot change.  When I use it, I don’t mean that I am going to wallow in whatever misery is happening, but rather because no matter what I do I can’t make my husband come home any faster.  You just have to get through it.  It’s more helpful to me to just acknowledge it as a fact of existence.  Often I use it in talking to someone who is asking me about how I’m doing, how communication is, etc.   If the person I’m talking to has experienced deployment, they know exactly what I mean.  And if they haven’t, usually they can fill in the blanks. 

I guess I use it more in the sense I’ve heard it taught in yoga and meditation: “This moment is as it is…neither good nor bad.”   I never really thought of that as a cop out.  Do you think it is?

The unwritten code of Army wife ethics

I had all these plans today for a nice, uplifting post. Something harmless and “feel good”.

Right. I have to get this one off my chest.

I often feel like there is a sort of code of ethics among mil-spouses. Usually this is a good thing, generally speaking I think that military spouses are wonderful, giving people who totally get the weirdness that the military can throw at you.

After today, however, I’m realizing that no, we don’t all have the same code. I have an acquaintance. I wouldn’t even call her a friend, really, I don’t know her all that well. Her husband just retired from a service other than the Army. She and her husband go to the same church that we do, and to give you the full extent of our relationship they have had me over for dinner once, and I invited their youngest daughter to the dutchkid’s small birthday get together.

About two weeks ago, I got a random phone call from her. Asking if I would watch her child for the weekend (two days from the day she called me), so she and her husband could go to a marriage conference. Thankfully I didn’t answer the phone directly, so I had time to eloquently word my response, which otherwise probably would’ve been an incredulous, “Are you serious?” I thought it was really strange. I have a deployed husband, and am a full time student, and you think I would like to have an extra kid for the whole weekend? While saying no to her on the phone, she then drops, “Oh, ok, N. can always stay with her Grandma.” WTH? Why would you even ask me then? It puts me in an awkward position to tell you no.

Dh thought I was being a little over the top in how outraged I was (I even vented on facebook). I made myself a mental note to steer clear of them and cross them off my “call in a bind” list. I don’t want owe them anything, if you know what I mean.

Then, yesterday she called me and asked me to come to dinner. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough, so I agreed for next week. It didn’t even take a day for that to come back to bite me. She called this morning, and thankfully I was in class and didn’t answer. Could I watch N. for the afternoon tomorrow? And to let her know if I couldn’t, because otherwise she would plan on me.

Of course I flipping can’t! I have class for one, and even if I didn’t on that day, I don’t want to be your babysitter! To top it off, her husband is still in the post-retirement phase of figuring out what he’s doing (read: he’s home all day). She also has a teenage daughter who is old enough to keep track of her little sister for the afternoon.

I don’t get it. I’m wondering if she thinks because I have just one kid (she has four) that I can easily add another. Or maybe she thinks our kids are best buddies? (they’re not, this little girl isn’t even on the dutchkid’s radar). And maybe I AM being unreasonable, but it’s starting to piss me off. Don’t get me wrong, I will go out of my way to help a friend in a bind, especially a friend with a deployed husband. I think it’s because I know that she has many resources (and a husband) around, and I view those type of things as a big favor. It makes me mad because while I might forgive that from a civilian, I feel like she should know better than to ask.

See Military Spouse Ethical Code Article 2c: never try to take advantage of someone whose spouse is deployed.