This is it

Tomorrow we will get on a plane.

After several setbacks and episodes where we thought we might have to call it off, we are headed back to the specialist who made the dutchkid possible. We are going to attempt to use the 2 remaining embryos that we stored from our last IVF attempt.

I am strangely calm. Even though the thought of my daughter not ever having the fun and exasperation of a sibling makes me cry sometimes. Even though I worry that I or my dh will someday be a burden when we are old, since she will be the only one to care for us. Even though I sometimes entertain the morbid thoughts of what will I do if something should happen to her (anticipatory grief isn’t only for deployments I’ve discovered), I am a model of serenity. At least for today. Maybe it’s the medication, although usually it just makes me feel like I have that absent-minded pregnant brain, without the pregnant.

It has become a new lesson in trust. Whether I like it or not, God is the only one in control of this situation (it makes me glad I am a believer, I would have far less trust in “fate”). I am faced with the reality of putting my money where my mouth is… that I really will be ok with my daughter being an only child. We have decided not to go through the IVF process again. My dh is not open to adoption, at least at this point in time.

Anticipation, hope and desperation all rolled up together. I am a little worried that in taking a small vacation while we are there that I will have too much time to think. But for now I am consumed with packing and in the getting there, and seeing friends we’ve missed. Since the laptop died I don’t know that I’ll be able to write until we’re home. I’ll let you know how I am when we get back.

“Gramma’s House”

We went away this past weekend for a little overnight vacation. Charleston is one of my favorite Southern cities, second only to Savannah. We hadn’t been there in 5 years, so it was good to be back. We visited the aquarium (and guess what, our local zoo is reciprocal, so remember that membership dh got? It got us half off!)

Since it was Easter weekend, we even managed to catch an Easter egg hunt for the dutchkid, which was loads of fun, even if we did almost get trampled! I tell you, parents are vicious when it comes to getting Easter eggs for their kids! (we only got 5)

When we rolled up at the hotel, the dutchkid announced that it was “Gramma’s house”. I didn’t really think much of it, given the fact that both of her “Grammas” live in different states and we don’t see either very often. But when we got into the room she got very upset when dh switched on the TV. “No daddy, Gramma’s TV”. Ditto for me trying to lay down on the bed. “Get UP! Gramma’s bed!” I was waiting for the meltdown when we couldn’t produce a Gramma in the flesh, but thankfully that never came up.

As we drove away the next day, she said cheerfully, “Bye, Gramma’s house!”. Evidently Gramma now lives at the Residence Inn.

Forget the glass slippers

We had a military ball to attend last weekend. Dh had to escort a visiting general, so it wasn’t the romantic evening I had envisioned when I booked the babysitter.

I did get to sit with him at the table, though, and because we hadn’t attended a ball in quite a while (I think I was pregnant at the last one I attended, to give you an idea) it was fun to have a little pomp and circumstance.. the presentation of the colors and toasts. By far the best part was that the 82nd Airborne All American Chorus was the entertainment. Squared away soldiers who can sing, they sound even better than they look! They drove several hours to get to us, and since we are at an Air Force Base, it was nice to have a little Army entertainment. It’s been quite awhile since we were at Bragg, and they sang several songs including Blood on the Risers, (aka “Glory glory what a helluva way to die!”). It’s funny how you get to miss the gallows humor, particularly when you are around Air Force folks who only jump out of a plane when they have to eject. It was all puffed up, hooah machismo. How ironic that I have missed it.

As is customary, the wineglass engraved with the unit crest and date of the ball are yours to take home. My dh has a thing about rounding up as many as he can from the people who don’t want them. Must be the Dutch frugality coming out again (free wine glasses!). I don’t even want to count how many I have from previous balls we’ve attended. What on earth am I supposed to do with them? I’ve already mentioned my kitchenware addiction, it’s not like I need to add to it. Do you serve people on another occasion with these glasses? I keep hoping the movers will break them. Maybe this time I’m going to have to slip them some money on the side.

Everyone should have one of these

3.14.08

Originally uploaded by dutchican

I asked for a hammock stand for Christmas this year. I was so tired of having zero trees in our yard to hang our beautiful hammock on. The weather’s been nice and so dh set it up yesterday. Oh. my. The dutchkid and I spent all afternoon out there playing in it. It’s like a mini vacation without going anywhere!

Wondrous technology

My laptop is acting like it is possessed. My dh sent it back yesterday because it’s still under warranty. It was still manifesting its odd behavior as he tried to pack it up in the box. Basically it has a short somewhere and if the battery is in, it will turn on and off at random.

I got it right when I started blogging, so I’ve had for just over 6 months. It puts a serious crimp in my style to be tied to our desktop. But I am embarrassed to say that it brings me to the realization that I spend entirely too much time on the computer (as my toddler is hanging off my arm and whining). Sigh. I should probably take it as a sign.

Let’s hope the exorcism goes quickly.

Ho hum

I feel that lately I’ve not had anything much to write about, just the mundane things of life happening for the most part. I’m counting the days until we can get out of here, I’m so anxious to just get started at the new place. I don’t think we’ve ever had this much notice for a move before, and I think now I actually prefer the Army pulling the rug out from under me. But we do have some things going on. Things I wouldn’t normally write about because they are very personal, and fall dangerously close to the “TMI” category (and I have never had the desire to make you readers go: “Ewww”)

When I began blogging, I debated on whether or not to write about certain aspects of my life. My dh requested that some things remain private, mostly for safety reasons. I try to honor his requests, although since he’s not a reader I’m on the honor system (and I like it that way, actually). Since this is more about me, and I know that others I read in the blogosphere are struggling as well, I decided I would write about it.

We are embarking on the journey to try to have a second child. My precious daughter was born after nearly 4 years of trying to have a child. She is the result of what is called “Assisted Reproductive Technology” or ART. Those years were the most difficult of my life, and at that time I told almost no one. I did that mostly out of self preservation. It’s very hard to have well meaning people ask you repeatedly “how it’s going”. Almost as bad as nosy people asking “When are you going have kids?” when you have been subjecting yourself to all manner of drugs, procedures and emotional turmoil for years in the attempt.

It’s odd how my daughter turning 2 began a different kind of expectation. “When are you going to have another baby?”. I used to never know how to respond to those nosy questions. But now? I have become braver and I enjoy making people squirm. You would be amazed how the simple statement, “We probably won’t be able to have any more,” shuts them right up.

But what I don’t tell them is that we’re working on that. Over the past few months, even thinking about starting this process again brought back so many emotions I had forgotten (or maybe just repressed). Pregnant people are starting to bother me again. It feels official, as I am to start some medication today. The journey will be different this time, mostly because I still feel like my daughter is more than I ever deserved in the first place. A second child is almost more than I can hope for, but I’m willing to try. Buckle up, because here we go!

Channeling my inner Martha Stewart

I have a weakness for kitchenware. Particularly large decorative bowls and pitchers, but it extends to china, too. For the past several years I have been forced to institute a rule: unless I have somewhere to put it, I’m not allowed to purchase it. It’s really too much, and really ironic considering how I am not one of those people who entertains with ease. No, I obsess over the food, clean my house like a maniac and get really nervous when we have someone over for dinner.

But they’re so pretty. I look at it and think to myself, “If I only had that glass carafe, I could look so elegant as I poured my guest some water!” As if somehow having the right dishes would make me the hostess extraordinaire.

Last night we got a call from our pastor. Our church was doing a passover supper tonight and they didn’t have enough “hosts” because so many people were attending. The supper was held at the church, and they were providing all of the food elements, but the catch was you had to provide all the dishware, stemware and serving pieces for your table of 8 (quite a bit, since the passover has pretty specific needs). Would we be willing to serve at the last minute, and did we have enough dishes?

Do I ever. It was my shining moment, where every time I justified a purchase to my dh with:”Oh, this will come in handy!” came true. You should have seen the look on his face as he assured the pastor, that yes, we have everything. He’s lucky that we’re moving soon, and into a smaller house.

Here comes the bride…eventually

We had beautiful weather here last Saturday (sorry, those of you stuck in the frozen hinterlands). The perfect day to have a wedding in the park.

Last week my dh came home from work and said that someone from the unit was getting married on Saturday and that he wanted us to go. I was mildly irritated at the short notice, since I didn’t have a sitter or a gift. He gave the perfect reply: that it was an impromptu wedding because the bride is active duty as well, flying in from Korea to marry the soldier in the unit here before they deploy again this fall. For added effect, he mentioned how they wouldn’t have any family here. I’m a sucker for romance, and we were married in Korea without any family, so I know how that feels. I’ll never forget waking up on the morning of my wedding and having to get ready with near total strangers.

2:00 ~ The time the wedding was supposed to begin. A good turnout of Army folks. We chit-chatted under the big magnolia trees and the kids ran circles around the pond.

2:30 ~ No sign of anyone, bride or groom. After conferring with the other small group of strangers it was decided that yes, we were in the right place and yes, we were all here for the same wedding.

3:00 ~ The groom arrives, looking very nervous.

3:30 ~ The kids are now tired and whiny, in desperation dh is letting the dutchkid pick all of the planted flowers along the walkways. Rumors fly.

3:45 ~ The bride finally arrives in an ornately beaded gown, and acts as if it is completely natural to be over an hour and a half late for one’s own wedding. No signs of tears or fights or any of the other scenarios we had invented.

The ceremony lasted less than 10 minutes. Maybe they were trying to make up for all the waiting? Who can know. It was one of the strangest weddings I have ever been to. A bizarre combination of trying to have a the normal wedding trappings, but yet it was obviously thrown together.

It makes me wonder if people said that about mine.