Tomorrow we will get on a plane.
After several setbacks and episodes where we thought we might have to call it off, we are headed back to the specialist who made the dutchkid possible. We are going to attempt to use the 2 remaining embryos that we stored from our last IVF attempt.
I am strangely calm. Even though the thought of my daughter not ever having the fun and exasperation of a sibling makes me cry sometimes. Even though I worry that I or my dh will someday be a burden when we are old, since she will be the only one to care for us. Even though I sometimes entertain the morbid thoughts of what will I do if something should happen to her (anticipatory grief isn’t only for deployments I’ve discovered), I am a model of serenity. At least for today. Maybe it’s the medication, although usually it just makes me feel like I have that absent-minded pregnant brain, without the pregnant.
It has become a new lesson in trust. Whether I like it or not, God is the only one in control of this situation (it makes me glad I am a believer, I would have far less trust in “fate”). I am faced with the reality of putting my money where my mouth is… that I really will be ok with my daughter being an only child. We have decided not to go through the IVF process again. My dh is not open to adoption, at least at this point in time.
Anticipation, hope and desperation all rolled up together. I am a little worried that in taking a small vacation while we are there that I will have too much time to think. But for now I am consumed with packing and in the getting there, and seeing friends we’ve missed. Since the laptop died I don’t know that I’ll be able to write until we’re home. I’ll let you know how I am when we get back.